emptying my mind,this was for me!

I just want; okay maybe need to write some strong thoughts and feelings that keep consuming my mind. Maybe writing them out on paper will clear my thoughts! Warning read at your own risk!!! Before Brandon and I decided to start trying I had made a point to findout for me when I should be done and have strongly felt that for us this is the last one I physically will bear. I went to Brandon and voiced my feelings and concerns he felt the same way as I did, but he told me that is a big decision and whatever I wanted. Well, I have felt good about the decision. After we found out we were pregnant I felt like everything was reaffirmed that we were making the best decision After we were told our baby more then likely wouldn't survive due to toxins leaking in from a corrupted fallopian tube. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster ride, but the whole time I told Brandon I had a strong feeling that this baby is meant to be here. Well, at about 13 weeks along the doctor said I am amazed, he has never seen a situation like mine last this long and said so far we have beat all odds. I felt so relieved. He put me on a shot twice a day for blood thinners and sent us on our way. Well ,now I only have 7 1/2 weeks left and am now questioning all my thoughts so here is my pregnant mind speaking. I don't want this to be the last time I feel a baby kick inside me. I love that! I enjoy being pregnant, I feel so young, but at the same time old. My kids won't stop growing and I'm not ready to not have a baby every couple years. After this they will all grow and no baby will replace the void of years. It will be the last time wearing the clothes, using the carseat, etc. yes, yes, yes I know crazy woman, but as much as I feel at peace with having my tubes tied, I am already aching for more. Anything that has strongly been going through my mind and has been hard is everyone,I mean everyone asks what I'm having I tell them girl and they either tell us keep trying because we need a boy and they know so and so who had 4 girls and then a boy. Or they tell us how sorry they feel for us having four girls, or what a lucky man Brandon is and a couple more comments, but everytime I get asked and hear these type of remarks or when pepole ask how many kids this will make I hurt, because we have a beautiful baby boy in Heaven who is and always will be apart of our family, I have moments like now where I long to hold him in my arms and love him, kiss him and be his mom on earth, but I know the Lord knows what's best, but the hurt is still there. When i answer, this will be number four,I really want to shout this is my 6th, but they wouldn't understand and I don't want to explain. So I let the sting happen and then move on. But tonight this preciuos life in me is kicking up a storm and I am so grateful for the children I have been so blessed with to take care of on earth and for my two in heaven keeping an eye on our family. I feel so blessed to have daughters and future queens of our Heavenly Fathers in my house. I know that being healthy enough to take care of my husband and girls is most important. I want to grow up with my girls, jumping on the tramp, riding bikes, rough housing hiking with Brandon, going for street bike rides with him, four wheeler riding, and many more activities, that I would possibly not be able to do if I keep having children. I want them to grow up remembering me spending time with them, and once they are grown and gone,and Brandon and I look back we both can say we had the time of our lives with each other and with our girls. So am I okay to be done bearing children-yes- Am I going to miss it - yes- Do I feel at peace with the decision- yes- Is this ache and longing for more going to ever go away - no- because we were built with that mothering instinct and love that I hope is always apart of me. All in all as you can tell right now I look forward to the future, but long for my baby boy I can't have right now, and am having a tough coping with the end to alot of things. But also it will be the beginning of other great things!!! So here's to 7 1/2 weeks of enjoying and living in the moment, then to welcoming her into this world and then making memories.